Guest Post #1: Save Me!

I finally had a friend agree to writing a guest post for me. Hope y’all enjoy!

Hi,
My name is Failed Dating Super Star. Let me tell you guys about myself. I am a 25 year old male, lightly balding, I have a kitten and I have mild Tourrets and I’m Jewish.

In the last couple months I have had a few adventures in the dating world since I was dumped last September by a Texan Baboon. In my adventures I have met girls that had fetishes for horror movies such as The Centipede and Saw, girls with weird smiles and hair that is in places that only men should have. Now you may wonder, where the F**K do you meet these people? I can gladly tell you with two words. ONLINE DATING!

Online dating has been kind of like a game but in my case I am just meeting the people I should not date. I think I will start with one date story for now which had a unusual twist.

I met this girl on okcupid and we were 50% compatible so I figured ehh I will email her. We start corresponding and she asks me

”hey do you want to meet at Chopsticks in NE?”
I’m like heck yeah. In my mind I was hoping to get a badly needed booty call since she lives in NE and the bar is right by her house. You may call me a dog or a sexual hound but let’s be honest. I am man with needs that well, have not been met in a while. Anyways we go on the date and I made the mistake of buying her a beer up front before we started really schmoozing. We start talking and getting to know each other. I think its going well then I get a message while I am in the restroom. I check it and it says

“Save me!”

Now you are wondering, who would text that to me. Well here it is, it was my date! I think to myself, how am I suppose to handle this? I go back to the table and I tell her

“you know you texted me saying save me. Whats up?

She stares at me with a look of a deer in the headlights. She mumbles and shakes and responds saying it was for a friend about something or whatever. Bla Bla Bla. I think to myself hmm I am going to piss this girl off and keep the date going.

I ended up keeping the date going for another two hours of crappy small talk. I kept watching her check her phone and I kept smiling and saying
“Oh this is so much fun”

I knew the date was a failure but I had this date in my possession and she was not going anywhere. After two hours I was bored and decided that I wanted to go home. We walk outside and I gave her a cheesy hug and good bye.

In conclusion of this date I learned that I should not buy a beer for a girl in the beginning of the date. Just to let everyone know this girl hated French Fries. WTF?

If you are a single female in the Portland area who has a thing for tall, Jewish men who love plaid, I have the perfect man for you. He is single and ready to mingle, so hit him up! Well, apparently you should probably like french fries too.

Love,
Dating Superstar